This week's main Mental Awareness goal is focusing on tools to reduce or alleviate triggers. One thing that was identified to me in the past was to share my triggers with my husband in the hopes that he could help me move past them. While this was great advice, it should have come with a warning.
One of my triggers is eating out. It doesn't matter why I am eating out (celebration, not enough time to cook, just because). When I eat out, I feel myself lose some control and suddenly start providing myself with reasons as to why its okay to go over board with the appetizers, main meal and dessert. Its very challenging. Well I shared this with my hubby, and now I feel like I'm under the microscope every time we go out to eat.
He has been and continues to be extremely supportive, encouraging, and patient with me as I try to deal with my emotional eating binges. He has even talked to my therapist about how to help me! So what's the problem, right? He sounds like a great guy, and trust me he is. However, when he does try to help me in this area, I get extremely sensitive and defensive. The simple question, "Are you sure this is going to be okay" when we go out to eat sets off a fuse and I suddenly feel so ashamed, angry, and hurt all at the same time. I feel so embarrassed by my past behavior, and so angry because I feel like he is controlling what I eat.
The reality of the situation is that he is just trying to help me out. I know that, but there is no reasoning with me once that little fuse has gone off. I feel completely out of control. Has anyone experienced something similar with their spouse or loved ones?
I encourage you to reach out for the support of others and by all means clue them in to what they can do to help you, but I will warn you that your reaction to them supporting you may be different than you expect. By no means should this discourage you from sharing with them though. It has helped me realize a whole new set of emotions and feelings and from that experience I can grow. Growth isn't always easy, and sometime what we find out about ourselves can be difficult to understand. However, understanding oneself is the only way to be truly happy.
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Yes, I've had the same problems with my husband. I used to tell him I'm on a diet! so don't bring any ice cream into the house. Then, when I had a bad day, I used to say How come you didn't bring me Haagen Daz Caramel Cone? He never knew what to do, because I would start diets and cheat and go back and it was a total roller coaster.
ReplyDeleteNow I tell him: I'm on this eating plan today, but I don't know for how long or when I will cheat. So don't worry about me, don't cook for me, I will eat what I can and will not eat what I can't (he is an excellent cook).
I suspect it is sort of like showing your 'dirty little secret' to someone and then having them point it out to you. I applaud you for having so much faith and trust in your partner, that takes bravery. Perhaps you could ask him to 'just listen' if/when you have to vent when you go out to eat, and otherwise not bring it up? As a pal of mine told me recently (in regards to how antsy my husband gets doing remodel projects), "just remember, don't poke the bear!"
ReplyDeleteI will tell you, I had a bad day yesterday. The remodel was getting to us both and we were on each other's last nerve. That made me NOT want to eat. Anger and grief causes me to lose my appetite. The result was that I was ravenous by the end of the day. Chopping veggies and thinking how I was still grieving our day, I slammed the sharp knife down on my index finger, cutting right on through the nail. OWWW. All I could think of after dinner, as it throbbed, was "WAH.. I NEED SOMETHING SWEET." My husband pointed out, "we don't have anything like that in the house." He was right. I'm glad that, like you, he knows I'm struggling - so this time he didn't offer to go the corner store and buy me some chocolate! I pouted, drank water, did a lot of deep breathing, and went to bed early. But I suspect had he mentioned the trigger, I would have gotten angry all over again.
Thank you for your comments. I don't feel so alone in my feelings. It really helps to know that I'm not as crazy as I think I am sometimes.
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